


From the Conclave to the Cult

by TeaJay (LoreWren)



Category: Magic: The Gathering
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Closeted Character, Conflicting Loyalties, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Genderqueer Character, Non-binary character, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-02-18 04:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2335109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoreWren/pseuds/TeaJay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You <i>are</i> allowed to change guilds. Some of them are pretty obvious: a few Simic guildmages have ultimately left their Zonots for the Selesnya Conclave. Sometimes it's bizarre, but still makes a certain amount of sense: some Gruul warriors have ultimately preferred the harmony of the Boros Legion to their original clan.</p><p>And then...then you have this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Conclave

Rachine's teacher had looked at her, again, just before she'd left for the day. Her teacher had said, "May the Conclave shelter you."

Rachine was never sure what that was meant to convey. Obviously, a reminder that the Conclave was all around her--but she knew that. And the Conclave being all around her meant so many things. The Conclave was where Rachine had found home, family, protection, and a defined path. The Conclave worked in harmony, preserved that harmony and inspired it. That was good. She was making herself better able to fit into that harmony. That was good.

...That _was_ good. Following Selesnya, following Trostani--home, family, nature, three-in-one-harmony--following the Conclave. That was. Good.

Rachine took a deep breath. She had chosen Selesnya. She had finished her schooling in the guild-neutral zone, and she had listened to the representatives. Boros and Azorius had both been too strict, Orzhov too slick and perfect to be telling even half the truth, Dimir telling less than that, Simic and Izzet terrifying in their devotion to something Rachine couldn't see. Golgari and Gruul had been interesting, but nothing had drawn her in. And Rakdos had...drawn her in exactly as Trostani would have guessed.

Rachine took a walk. She pretended she didn't know where she was walking; her feet knew well enough anyway.

 

The Rakdos bouncer was used to a variety of looks. Temptation, of course, occasional disgust, desperation or excitement or absolutely unrepressed joy.

And then, once a month or so, this Selesnya mage who would walk past, with no desperation and no joy, no disgust and no excitement, no temptation, just...hunger.


	2. Changes

The Selesnya guildmage licked her lips, then stopped.

"Conclave shelter me," she said. She smoothed her hands over her skirt. Rachine had gotten much better at not thinking things, since her first days at the Conclave. Rachine was not thinking of a chest that was flat but for ~~hir~~ her scars. Rachine did not think about a lover who would hear about what ~~zie~~ ~~he~~ she wanted from her body, from her lover ~~s~~ , without flinching.

Did not think about the fact that some members of the Conclave might love hir as zie was. Did not think that zie, hirself, might be enough to break the Conclave's harmony.

Did not think about whether it might be worth it.

(There were pronouns. Rachine had found them, one night, distracted from her studying by a more interesting book. If there were pronouns, zie was not alone. If zie was not alone--)

She could not even stop herself from shaking half the time, alone in her bed. Or worse, beside someone, someone who might not flinch at hir gender, but would flinch at something, would flinch or look horrified and say, "I could never hurt you so!" Who would never see how much the flinch itself hurt hir.

It wasn't worth it. She would break if she tried to fight the Conclave's weight, and then someone who might have succeeded would never have the courage. And she would have to fight the weight of the Conclave. Even if her gender and the rest of hir was separate, zie couldn't find the break, couldn't find how to fight for one and not the other, couldn't find a way to win their hearts if they saw hir as zie was.

Once, a lover had not looked horrified. He had spat at her, said if she wanted to ruin her body, she should join the Simic. He had joined up with the Boros Legion in under a month. In some ways that was worse. The Boros would have been wrong, too strict and delineated ~~, wronger even than Selesnya~~ , but she'd thought--maybe--

If Rachine had followed a lover out, she'd have had an excuse.

Zie had let hirself have a breakdown in public after that. Because it was expected, and because it was a relief to be sheltered, held, even if they didn't understand that part of what they were sheltering hir from was hir body, hir mind, hirself.

She had stood in front of the Rakdos club too long. The bouncer was looking at her. She had stood still too long, come here too often, both. Most of all, she wanted it too much, because that was the one that meant that she walked forward on reflex when he nodded toward the door.

When they were close enough to speak without yelling, he said, "Pleasure or pain?"

Zie licked hir lips again. Zie decided to answer honestly. There was little point in lying--if zie needed to lie, here, zie might as well go back to the Conclave.

"What's the difference?"

The bouncer grinned, as immediately and honestly as her lovers had flinched. He held the door. "Come on in."


	3. Considerations

Everything was beautiful.

The marks still ran up and down Rache's body, and when zie felt uncomfortable in hir skin, zie could shift a little and feel something, and it felt _good_. That, more than anything else, was the trick. The pain was bright and sharp and pretty; and it was a little secret zie could have to hirself.

_"And what should I call you?"_

_She swallowed. "...My name is Rachine."_

_He'd laughed--or--maybe not a he, actually. People could be anything, in Rakdos. "I ain't asking for a formal introduction. What do you wanna be called?"_

_Rachine opened her mouth, then closed it and actually bothered to think._

_The answer was clear, once zie felt allowed to think it. "Rache," zie said, letting the hard ch settle in hir mouth._

_The person grinned. "Well, Rache. Feel like having some fun?"_

"Rachine? Rachine, hey!" Rache didn't realize the person meant hir until they put a hand on hir arm. "Hey, are you okay? You look a little out of it."

"Oh--yeah." Zie smiled. "Sorry, I got back late last night. Didn't sleep as much as I should have."

"Well, have some tea or something, then; Trostani wants to see you in an hour."

"I--what?"

Paluna was already waving at someone across the way. "Hey! I found her; we're good."

Rache grimaced briefly at the pronoun, anticipating...a feeling that didn't come, as it happened. "Why does Trostani want to see me? And why so suddenly?"

"It's not sudden," Paluna said. "This has been planned for a couple days now, but you never check your mailbox, and we couldn't find you in your room." She paused, then looked at Rache harder. "Where were you, anyway?"

"I, um."

_"Fuckfuckfuckfuck **fuck**."_

_"Ooh," Rache said, digging her fingernails in deeper. "I like that. Now say please."_

_" I don't say please to sprouts--I, ah, I--"_

_"You haven't said please to any of us_ yet _." Zie twisted and the freak keened. "Growth mindset."_

"Philosophical conversation with some members of other guilds. I lost track of time."

Paluna laughed. "Only you, Rachine." She shook her head. "Come on, let's get you some tea and breakfast before you meet with Trostani."

*

Rache was early to hir meeting, and so waiting politely. Zie was also very carefully not repeating hir mistake of fidgeting. It had been hard enough to talk Paluna out of taking hir to the healers, and that was only for a scratch on hir collarbone. Rache did not want to see the healers response to everything else.

Zie didn't want to heal the marks, either. Not yet.

"Rachine Thersaadi?"

Zie stood.

The person held aside the vines that gave Trostani's meetings privacy, when they wanted it. "Trostani is ready for you."

Rache swallowed. Zie didn't know how much Trostani could see, but it would be unsurprising if they could tell zie was injured somehow.

_No solving that._

Rache walked in.


	4. Cadenza

Trostani smiled. Or--one of them did. Another one was very quiet, and the third was making an expression that would be a smile if it weren't so sad.

"Hello, child."

Rache tilted hir head. Zie hadn't been 'child' since before her guild gave her a proper name. And even then, come to think of it, most of them had been "son" or "daughter"...

"You already know." Rache blinked three times, quickly. She wasn't entirely sure whether she was asking about the name, or her gender, or the Rakdos club. All three. Any of them were enough, really.

And, just like that, Trostani was one again, old and a little chiding and very, very wise. "Of course."

Rache clenched hir jaw. "You could have _said_." There was a way the Rakdos spoke--not a word choice, exactly, that varied even in the same Rakdos member from night to night, hour to hour. Character to character, role to role. But the vowels were the same, and the consonants, and for some reason Rache found hirself slipping into the accent. "You could have told me; you could have _helped me_ \--"

"Child."

" _What._ "

Trostani stopped moving. Rache hadn't noticed that they never did that until they did. It was--weird. Suddenly they were a tree with interesting patterns, vaguely like faces and bodies but still just trees grown together.

"What's your name?" one of them finally asked, softly.

"I believe you should know it."

"Your name, child, not what we have called you."

Rache blinked again. That was...almost like the ceremony she'd taken to join the conclave. Come to think of it, all the guild must have renamings, if the names were so different between them. Or...did most people just go to the guilds their parents had gone to? Was that why Selesnya had so many and so few, because the conclave was always more important than the people who were genetically related---wait, philosophy later, did that mean zie had technically changed guilds last night?

"Rache," zie said.

"Rache." All three of Trostani said it, almost at the same time. They started flowing again, and one smiled and leaned forward. "It suits you, I think. Better than we did."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"We couldn't. Not without forcing you to grow in a way you might never have recovered from."

"You could have told me you knew--or that I wasn't alone--or--"

"If you'd wished to know the former, you would have put it together. And you did know the latter." Trostani leaned close. "Rache, we are all imperfect, and we are all confused. You have always drawn back from us. We did not want to give you another reason to stay somewhere you could not grow."

Rache sat down. "...Is this an incredibly fancy way of saying I'm kicked out of the guild?"

One of Trostani cocked an eyebrow made out of greenery. "Would you prefer to stay?"

"...Not really." Zie thought. "I'd like time to move my stuff. And...probably write a letter. I'd rather people call me Rache and use hir and zie pronouns."

"You will have time for that. You could even be in both guilds, if you preferred--the Rakdos only ask loyalty, and you clearly have time for your time there and your time here. I simply don't think you will choose that."

Rache looked up--the sky was bright and clear here, and the canopy open enough that Trostani was dancing in the light, bright blue skies above. "Why not?"

"Because you take pleasure in a guild based around pleasure, and you take no pleasure here. Because you grow in a guild built around the individual, and you have finished the growing you can do here." Rache looked to Trostani again, and zie found them looking up at the sky, eyes sparkling. "Because you needed time and peace and study here, but you never entwined with us when you grew." They looked back down and smiled. "Is that enough?"

Rache huffed out a breath. "You have plans for me. Outside the conclave."

"Only those we have for everyone. We think you will grow yourself, and we think you will grow others. Perhaps more than that."

"But not here."

"No." Trostani looked like she was remembering something, and her voices changed. "If we thought our guild could make everyone into what they needed to be, we would not have ten guilds, nor the Gateless."

"...I really don't want everyone to be Selesnya."

Trostani laughed like dappled sunlight through leaves. "We know."

Rache laughed and hopped to hir feet. "Well then. Best of luck with," Rache waved hir hand around, "everything that doesn't fuck with my life."

Trostani started and then smiled. "Yes," they said, slow and sweet as could be, "I think you'll do well among the Rakdos."

Rache did a motion that was half a bow and half a curtsey, then strode out. Paluna whispered, "What did she want?"and Rache waved the question away.

"Nothing big, just changing guilds."

Rachine did not know humans could reach that particular pitch. " _What?_ "

Zie took her hand and spun Paluna once, quick. "Where do we fit best, Palu?"

"Where we grow most," she said automatically, "so you should stay here--"

"Nope! I'm gonna join the Rakdos. You should visit!" Rache half-danced to her room. Tomorrow, she'd actually have to figure out where she was sleeping. But for tonight--well, who slept their first night among Rakdos, anyway?


End file.
